True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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