Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
