I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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