I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
