no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
