Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
