I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
