Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
