I think im going to throw up on grandma
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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