Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
