Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
