Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
