I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
