The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
