omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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