just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
