so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
