I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
