Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
