I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
