Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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