I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
