you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
