I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
