I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize