Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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