my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
