called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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