Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
