I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
