i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
