So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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