I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
