Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
