im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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