Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
