well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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