Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
