ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize