I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
