We're like a lot better than the average bears
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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