ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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