Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He felt like a one man threesome
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
