dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
