Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
