im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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