seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
