I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
