so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
