You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize