Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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