Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
