I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
