You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i was born a porn star she said
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
