if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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