You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
