The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
