He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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