a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
