She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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