You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
