literally had 100 drinks last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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