i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
