So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
