maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
